Boy problems

So I've been super pissed lately about what happened to my brother last week. Every saturday night him and his friends go to this place called cowboys.  Some stupid western club downtown.  Last week they all went out and I guess at some point my brother's girlfriend and his best friend were getting into it.  Due to what ever stuff happened between them, when they all got into the car to leave, my brother's girlfriend said to my brother that his friends are so fucking fake.  Mind you all of his friends she was talking about we're in the car with him.  Joey then said to her to something along the lines of shut up you bitch.  Obviously my brother didn't take too kindly to hearing his girlfriend called that or spoken to in that manner so he said to Joey in response to shut the fuck up.  At that point Joey got out of the car, opened up the back door and decked my brother in the face.  He let my brother get a hit in after that to the back of his head in return, but they had to leave the parking lot before anything else could happened because security was coming.  So brother and his girlfriend got into a car with another friend and headed back to my parents house.  Everyone was heading back to the same place as they had mostly all left their cars at my parents and driven over together.  For some reason when they got back to may parents house,  joey's younger brother decided to get out of the car and come charging after my brother.  Jojo was yelling at Joey to take Danny home, but Joey either wasn't able to do anything or didn't care enough.  Danny went charging at my a brother and started punching him in the face.  Joey eventually ran over and grabbed my brother.  I talked to Joey about this after it happened to hear his side of the story and he said he chose to grab my brother during the fight because he thought he could control him more.  So he grabbed my brother and tried to restrain him while Danny continued to throw punches.  Joey claims he had his hands in front of my brother's face in case Danny three cheap shots, but he didn't do a very good job.  At some point my brother's girlfriend went and threw some punches at Danny and then he hit her and threw her to the ground.  Eventually another friend showed up and was able to get Danny while Joey held my brother.  My brother ended having a busted face.  My mom has tired to explain it to me and she says she probably should have taken him to the hospital to make sure he was ok.  I am just so pissed that it happened and that I wasn't there do anything about it, not that I could, that I'm away now so I can't even really do anything.  I just get so angry every time I think about it.  No matter what information I get it all comes back to Danny being a piece of shit.  My brother isn't speaking to either of them at this point.  He feels Joey was holding him down so Danny could beat on him.  My brother was defenseless while Danny went off.  It wasn't a fair fight.   A couple nights later Joey tried to apologize to my brother which didn't go well.  My brother is not in any mood to hear an apology or fix their friendship.  So he told Joey there was nothing to talk about.  Things got heated from there.  Joey then threatened jojo saying next time him and Danny I'll really get him.  That completely contradicts what Joey said about trying to protect my brother and just break up a fight.  My brother then said something out taking care of Joey and his family which was wrong but understandable considering the circumstances.  I feel bad for my brother.  I feel bad that I should have been there in case there was something I could have done or just to have been there for him in the aftermath of everything.  I get do angry any time I think about it or talk to my mom about it and that seems like all she wants to talk about these days.  I just can't wait to be home so I can see what damage is still there on his face and finally put my two cents in.  He won't take a picture of his face so I can only go off of what my mom tells me about it. It angers me being helpless and far away unable to do anything.  My mom said it would have been nice if I was home so he could have come to my place to get away.  He hasn't really been going out or even coming out of his room because of his face and everything.  I hope things work out with him and Joey though an Danny eventually gets what's coming his way.

Get it together

The pressure is on to get everything together for this trip. You'd think ey would have given us a day off to have time to prepare. I feel like Saturday is going to be the day from hell. I have to go to the mall and not only find some more dress clothes... not really he hard part, but I have to find fancy shoes that don't kill my feet. I continuously get shoes only to find that after an hour my feet want to murder me. I can't really have that happen this time considering we'll be going to corporate. Then there's packing and making sure I remember to bring everything I need. I also need to ensure that I apportion the appropriate funds for the time. I hate taking money out of my savings. At least we get paid at the end of the first week. I'm just trying to really save save save so I can do some serious house hunting and have a decent down payment when the time comes. Not only do I want a decent down payment but I also I want to still have a good 5,000 in my account and have money to invest. I have a game plan. It's just a matter of making it all happen. I figure by the end of this year I should be right about where I want to be financially. I'll have an even better idea once I get my bonus and raise in May. I don't foresee any major purchases this year so everything will hopefully stay on track. Time for rest though. I have to negotiate with an attorney tomorrow so I want to make sure I'm on top of my game.

Conformist

So I went ahead and joined the apple bandwagon. In prep for my trip to chicago I purchased an iPad. Not the new because of the current issues but an ipad2. I don't exactly see what's so special about it. Maybe I'm just still getting used to it or need an actual keyboard. I can using this for simple web surfing, email, and music stuff, but for actual work purposes it's really difficult. I didn't get it for that reason though so I guess I'm good. I only need it for travel purposes so I can maintain some sort of communication with everyone. I can't imagine traveling wi ,y laptop so this was the only logical way to go. I wanted to make sure I could Skype so I could still see my baby. I'm sad I have to leave her. In a perfect world I could take her with me seeing as the hotel is pet friendly but I could never crate her for a plane ride. I'm going to miss snuggling her at night, the way she excitedly greets me at the door when I get home from work, and even taking her to the doggie park. Shes just so damn cute. I just don't want her to forget me. I can't wait to find her in the car when I get picked up from the airport. I'll have to make sure I get her some kind of super cute souvenir. I'll do some research on pet stores in the area to see what I can find. I've been trying to take as many photos and videos of her before I go. It's sickening really but she is my child and I don't know what I would do without her.

motivation

i've been trying to think of ways to be creative or innovative for months now. I keep hoping that one of these days i'll have some brilliant idea that will completely change my life. i go to work every day thinking i can't wait to get out of here; not just physically out of the building at the end of the day, but out of the 9-5 mundane trap society has setup for us. i want to be my own boss. i want to do something i love. i want to do something that will have an effect on people. i observe friends and acquaintances on facebook who have been able to utilize their creativity,natural talent, drive, and passion to establish themselves with the types of careers i would kill for. i'd love to establish a website a successful website, or write articles, or even invent the next big thing. my mind just doesn't think the way it used to. i feel like i'm getting further and further away from that world and instead i'm being sucked into the 9-5 mentality. i have bills to pay, i need a career, i need to plan for the future. so here i am working just to make a living. to save for my retirement knowing social security benefits won't be around by the time i need it. i'm being forced into a life i don't really want to live. all i want is to be happy,successful, and satisfied. i don't want fame or money. i want only to do a job i love everyday that gives me a sense of accomplishment. for the longest time i lost the drive to do so, but within the past few months that small flicker of a flame has been glowing and growing. i'm finding drive again, i'm thinking and researching, i'm starting to get the writing bug. my writing skills are far too rusty and need tons of work though. i'm reading books again and trying to find joy in things i used to. i need to be more adventurous and less conservative. i need to live a little. i read an article a while back where someone interviewed elderly people about their lives and things they regret not doing. one participant said they regret saying no. always say yes. try new things, be open to new experiences. i want to be able to be adventurous and go out, but at the same time i don't want to spend money. sure there are plenty of "free"events out there, but i consider gas, wear and tear on my car, food, etc., into the equation and before i know i have enough excuses to justify not going. instead i find myself at the local target far too frequently getting my grande caramel latte at starbucks and walking around aimlessly through the store just to kill time in a day. i'm tired of trying to kill time. i need to nurture my time and turn into value. i'm done saying i want to find away out of the 9-5. i'm going to take action. it's not just a distant idea. it is now a plan of action. from this point on i am going to productive. i have to just start putting ideas into something tangible. i'm no longer working just to make a living. i'm working to buy time.

Asthenia

i want to write. i want to find thoughts sufficient enough to record but they just aren't there. i wish i had something to write about other than the everyday occurrences of my life but i haven't any creative thoughts or discussions with anyone. i haven't stepped out of the realm of everyday mundane activities. school just ended which has provided me with excess free time, but before then i was pretty busy with school, work and maintaining the overall appearance of the apartment. i guess now that i have free time i'll consider doing things again. i might even find a good book to read. the most recent of free time has been spent doing holiday stuff with alison. i guess i kind of want to do as much as i can with her before she goes because when she comes back christmas and all it's festivity and holiday cheery feeling will have departed for the year. sure we'll still have to exchange gifts with each other but it's not going to be anything like a christmas. i don't know how it could be. it's just sort of going to be a random day of gift giving. i had thought that well maybe if we do it on new years eve or new years perhaps it would at least have some extra meaning to it because it'd be on some sort of holiday or on a special day for us, but i don't think anything is really going to magically turn things into christmas here. oh well though. i mean we both have to go home so there isn't ever going to be a way to have a christmas with her. we'll both always have to go home and never see each other which makes me wonder what things would be like later on in life with that. like will we ever spend a christmas together? who knows. i don't really care at this point. christmas just isn't one of those holidays i get excited about. i never had a real reason to after i got over the whole santa claus thing. and now that i have found a reason to enjoy the holidays, we can't even spend it together so i still don't have that great reason to be excited about. to me it's just another day. sure it's a day where the whole family gets together and we exchange gifts, but there isn't any real reason to consider it more than just another day. maybe one day it'll have meaning again for me but as it stands today, it's just another day in my book. a day where i don't have to go to work. i am however looking forward to the new year though. i'm looking forward to spending it with alison. i'm looking forward to celebrating something more than just the new year. that day has significance and i want that to always remain important for both of us. it's probably the most important day of the year for me. it means a lot and i don't think i'll ever forget that. it set things back on the right track again and i can't find a better reason to celebrate. celebrate being together. celebrate the success of another year. celebrate starting down the right path again. it's been an interesting, tough, life changing year and i want to celebrate the end of it and the start of a new one which will be full of more challenges. more hurdles for us to get over. it's going to be quite a journey to come and i can't wait to be sitting around again next year looking back on it all and seeing how far i've gone again.

on some random note here i have to write about this. i need to remember this. another show that has had quite a bit of influence in my life has come to an end. it's always hard for me to see a show end that i've invested time in, but south of nowhere was one that i invested more than just time into. that show came at a perfect time. it came around when i was first coming out and starting to deal with the numerous issues of being gay. it told a really great story. it showed a lot of obstacles that come up in the life of a gay child and i think it was true. it showed evolution and growth with its characters that i think stand true to what can and often does happen in life. the character of spencer and here realization that she's gay. her first relationship with a girl. the issues that come up between parents and children who come out. there were a lot of good aspects of that show that i think really shed light on the real issues of being young and gay in society today. i appreciated every minute of that show and truly am sad to see it end. i think it ended at a good time and it went out with a cohesive ending that satisfied the story lines and the fans. although myself and everyone else out there would have loved to see where it could have gone, i think it did a great job with the stories it told. and it was important. i mean it was the first of it's kind. the first show based on a truly gay character and storyline. there just hasn't been anything else like it out there and who knows when/if there will be anything like it to come. i mean once the gay thing is no longer an issue in society i'm sure it's something we'll see a lot of because there are so many untaped storylines to be told in mainstream television regarding gay characters. but due to fear of reaction, the stories just aren't being told yet. we'll see what happens though. this show just came at a good point in my life. it's been interesting to live out my own story and at the same time watch something slightly similar evolve on screen to compare to. it's just sad to see any show end, but especially difficult when it's one of the only gay shows out there. ugh. i hate tv these days.

back to real life news. so i'm one step closer to graduating and i am scared. i have plans or more so ideas of what i want to do when i graduate, but nothing is solid. nothing is for sure. the economy sucks. i don't have money. those two factors alone limit me, but i'm hoping between the two of us, alison and myself, we can fiugre this out and get to where we want to be together. the plan is to move when i graduate but as it stands now, we don't have the money. she just got a better job so we'll be able to start saving, but no one knows where we'll be at the end of the summer when i graduate. there are just a lot of questions and concerns that i have and i know we'll figure things out, but as with any situation like this, i'm nervous. i want to know things now that i'm just not able to. i want to know what's going to happen. i want to know where i'm going to end up. i won't know until it happens. so i just have to wait and see.

i wish

i wish i had the motivation to write on here. i wish i had the time. i wish i had something to talk about. i guess i kind of got tired of writing about silly mundane topics. if i take the time out to write and have people take time out of their days to read it, i want the subject matter to be something meaningful. i don't want to waste people's time with a survey or just simply writing about my day unless it has meaning. unless it's going to make them stop and think. i guess i feel kind of guilty if i can't do that.

anyway i guess i'll go ahead and be a hypocrite real quick and do a simple yet quick update. so alison and i are back together. she moved to orlando and we now live together. i couldn't be happier. i stopped smoking weed every day of my life which could also be a contributing factor as to why i never write anymore. without the weed my mind doesn't think the same way and my thought process definitely isn't as i guess thoughtful. i just don't see life or issues as thought provoking as i used to when i smoked. life is just sort of a lull or something that i do now. i don't really stop to think about it which is sad. to a certain extent i miss the weed because of my inability to think the same, but i definitely don't miss the fact that i have no memory of my life for a good three month span. i'm not done smoking weed. i don't think i'll ever be because i do feel it serves an important role in life and everyone should at least be exposed to it and what it can do for you, but for now i've definitely cut back. i smoke maybe a few times a month and even then it's just a small amount instead of entire days spent smoking away and just living in a daze. gosh looking back on that it's crazy. i can't even imagine doing that or being that person. i literally would sit entire days in a room and just smoke. blunts, bowls, joints, vaporizer; you name it and i've smoked it. it was good and it was bad. i do think it was something i had to do. something i had to go through to get to where i am. weed will always be a part of me and something i enjoy but never on the scale that i did. i'll no longer abuse the substance. i was slowly starting to fall into other things so i needed to stop when i did. i was starting to use the drug as a coping mechanism instead of just something to enjoy and that's where i went wrong. so for now i'm learning to cope how everyone should. i just have to deal with things and not slumber away in weed land. i'll miss it, but i'm better off without it. now if only alison would quit with the smoking. she does the cigarettes which i can't stand. if there's anything that has potential to ever break us up again it's that. as silly as that may sound to some, i'm not going to be with someone who smokes. i won't do it. i have a lot of reasons for saying that which i don't want to get into. i can't even imagine starting a family with someone who does that and family is something i want. so we'll see. i hope she can kick the habit. i have to give her credit though i mean for the most part she has, but she can't go out to a club or drink without having a cancer stick hanging out of her mouth. slow suicide. i don't understand why she does it when she's so against suicide and even the joking of it but whatever. i guess everyone is a hypocrite one way or another. there's just no way around that.

anyway. i graduate in a year. i couldn't be happier. i started this blog at the end of my senior year and have to a certain extent kept it going through my entire college experience. i'm kind of amazed. i'm even more amazed at the fact that i'm graduating. next spring i'll be done. i have this semester and one more. that's ten classes. one year. in nine months i'll be graduating and done with college. i'll have completed college in three years and managed to walk out with two separate degrees. i can't wait to finally have this accomplishment under my belt. college has been a pretty decent experience. i was exposed to so much and learned way more about myself than i ever have before which was all expected, but it's just neat to look back at it all. i'm just so ready to be done. i have no idea what i'm going to do when it's over but it'll be nice to have the option to do anything. i'll have no requirement. i can continue with school, i can move, or i can get a real job. i have a plethora of options. it'll be nice. i really want to move away with alison to DC. not that that's where i want to go but it's where she wants and i really just want to move away from here and start a new chapter. i want a new beginning with limitless options. i want to throw myself into a new environment and new situation just to see what happens. i want to see how well i do. i want it all. wish me luck.

pointless existence

this feat is difficult and my will is wearing. i'm having trouble accepting it. i'm trying to be here for everyone and with each encounter a part of me wears. i don't think i truly belong here. i don't belong with all these people in this horrible place. i'm trying to help them. i'm trying to make the best of it. it's difficult. i'm supporting everyone else and at the same time i'm in need. i'm not even sure what i'm in need of, but it's not here. i think i'm beginning to understand why i've always felt alone. why i've always felt a little different; like an outsider. i constantly feel as though i'm looking in on this world. my energy is fading. this will, this heart, this mind. i want to go back to the time when i thought i was part of all of this. now that i know it's too much. it's hard to stomach. i just want everyone to be ok so i can finally rest. i know though i'll never have that chance. people will never be ok and my job will never stop. in class the teacher asked what we want out of life and she was saying things about school work and traveling. that's not what i want in life. those are things i have to do. it'd be a pointless existence if those were the things i wanted. if those were the things i worked solely for in life. i can't focus my energy on something like that. i can't explain. i just know that this is going to be a long life. i'll either be a tortured soul or a savior. odd how that happens. in all of this though i might need the saving.