i wish

i wish i had the motivation to write on here. i wish i had the time. i wish i had something to talk about. i guess i kind of got tired of writing about silly mundane topics. if i take the time out to write and have people take time out of their days to read it, i want the subject matter to be something meaningful. i don't want to waste people's time with a survey or just simply writing about my day unless it has meaning. unless it's going to make them stop and think. i guess i feel kind of guilty if i can't do that.

anyway i guess i'll go ahead and be a hypocrite real quick and do a simple yet quick update. so alison and i are back together. she moved to orlando and we now live together. i couldn't be happier. i stopped smoking weed every day of my life which could also be a contributing factor as to why i never write anymore. without the weed my mind doesn't think the same way and my thought process definitely isn't as i guess thoughtful. i just don't see life or issues as thought provoking as i used to when i smoked. life is just sort of a lull or something that i do now. i don't really stop to think about it which is sad. to a certain extent i miss the weed because of my inability to think the same, but i definitely don't miss the fact that i have no memory of my life for a good three month span. i'm not done smoking weed. i don't think i'll ever be because i do feel it serves an important role in life and everyone should at least be exposed to it and what it can do for you, but for now i've definitely cut back. i smoke maybe a few times a month and even then it's just a small amount instead of entire days spent smoking away and just living in a daze. gosh looking back on that it's crazy. i can't even imagine doing that or being that person. i literally would sit entire days in a room and just smoke. blunts, bowls, joints, vaporizer; you name it and i've smoked it. it was good and it was bad. i do think it was something i had to do. something i had to go through to get to where i am. weed will always be a part of me and something i enjoy but never on the scale that i did. i'll no longer abuse the substance. i was slowly starting to fall into other things so i needed to stop when i did. i was starting to use the drug as a coping mechanism instead of just something to enjoy and that's where i went wrong. so for now i'm learning to cope how everyone should. i just have to deal with things and not slumber away in weed land. i'll miss it, but i'm better off without it. now if only alison would quit with the smoking. she does the cigarettes which i can't stand. if there's anything that has potential to ever break us up again it's that. as silly as that may sound to some, i'm not going to be with someone who smokes. i won't do it. i have a lot of reasons for saying that which i don't want to get into. i can't even imagine starting a family with someone who does that and family is something i want. so we'll see. i hope she can kick the habit. i have to give her credit though i mean for the most part she has, but she can't go out to a club or drink without having a cancer stick hanging out of her mouth. slow suicide. i don't understand why she does it when she's so against suicide and even the joking of it but whatever. i guess everyone is a hypocrite one way or another. there's just no way around that.

anyway. i graduate in a year. i couldn't be happier. i started this blog at the end of my senior year and have to a certain extent kept it going through my entire college experience. i'm kind of amazed. i'm even more amazed at the fact that i'm graduating. next spring i'll be done. i have this semester and one more. that's ten classes. one year. in nine months i'll be graduating and done with college. i'll have completed college in three years and managed to walk out with two separate degrees. i can't wait to finally have this accomplishment under my belt. college has been a pretty decent experience. i was exposed to so much and learned way more about myself than i ever have before which was all expected, but it's just neat to look back at it all. i'm just so ready to be done. i have no idea what i'm going to do when it's over but it'll be nice to have the option to do anything. i'll have no requirement. i can continue with school, i can move, or i can get a real job. i have a plethora of options. it'll be nice. i really want to move away with alison to DC. not that that's where i want to go but it's where she wants and i really just want to move away from here and start a new chapter. i want a new beginning with limitless options. i want to throw myself into a new environment and new situation just to see what happens. i want to see how well i do. i want it all. wish me luck.