random

so i've been using an alternate blog to keep track of everything that happens in life and everything that's been on my mind lately. i think it's because i came across an old journal i used to keep back in high school probably tenth grade. i went back and was reading some of the old entries and i found that out of every journal i've ever kept whether it be online or in a personal notebook, the one i came across is the only one i ever wrote honestly. i mean it was the only journal where i truly spoke my mind and wrote exactly how i was feeling and what was going on. i find with many of these online blogs and such i just write random stuff about what's going on in life but that's about it. there's no depth or emotional thoughts attached to most of the posts. i think that's why i liked my other blog. it was the only one that has depth or any insight into how i really feel and think. i'm pretty sure the only reason why i wrote so honestly in it is because i knew it was the one place no one else would see. i mean sure some random people might stumble across it but i don't have to worry about friends or family finding it and reading personal thoughts. that journal has been my escape for years. i go months at a time without writing in it, but when i do go back to it, i write about everything and its the most open and honest thing ever. i love that thing.

the only problem i find myself having at this point in my life is i can't write anymore. unless i'm stoned i feel like my thoughts are pointless or that i'm not even thinking at all. when i smoke my head goes crazy with ideas and thoughts and things i want to write about but as soon as i come down it's all gone. i find myself sitting here going where are my thoughts? where are all those crazy ideas and my motivation to write about it? i don't know why i can't write when i'm clear headed, void of any influential substances. i feel like every creative cell in my body shuts down and i'm left with mundane thoughts unimportant topics. i don't want to think i'm only creatively functioning when i'm stoned.

this leads me to think of what college has done to me. i remember the summer before college started. i had never smoked anything, never drank alcohol, and never seen drugs before. then october of that year came along with RuPaul and my good friend evan. the weekend of pride, i smoked pot for the first time and i got extremely drunk. worst experience of my life but RuPaul sure was fun to watch. come christmas break that year, i spent the entire time with evan driving around orlando getting stoned. i mean you name a part of town and i'm sure we smoked there. we used hot box one of our cars and then we'd find a neighborhood, park, and then go for a walk. we'd smoke a pack of cigarettes or whatever we had and we'd have some of the best conversations ever about life, school, society, and being gay. hell we even talked about getting married and what christmas lights we'd be putting up on our house. it was probably the best christmas break of my life. we'd be out until 2 or 3 in the morning every night. the only downfall to this was my mom got super suspicious and not only did she find out i smoked cigarettes but she also stole pot from my car. i went on a mission to get it back on new years eve which was awesome because i ended up spending that night with evan smoking in the parking lot of his mormon church. then i proceeded to drive home, spend new years on the high way alone, then once i got home, i smoked in the middle of the street while watching the fire works from a hotel right down the street. it was beautiful. my second semester of college saw less drugs, but more alcohol and more gays. i got a girlfriend and i began going out a lot more. went to some parties, got really drunk at times and just enjoyed myself. summer was fun too. i took summer classes so i could stay with my girlfriend and get ahead some. i loved living that domesticated life where we take turns doing the laundry, she'll cook and i'll clean, and we'd go out together. it was fun. i miss it. now though. wow. now everything is totally different again. this semester was kind of crazy. cheated. struggled with the girlfriend. broke up with the girlfriend. almost dated a crazy person. found my new best friend. and now all i do is go to my friends place and we smoke. i've spent almost every waking moment since i broke up with my girlfriend smoking or anticipating smoking at some point later on in the day. i'm just now slowly starting to cut back. seriously though i can already see next semester being my big stoner phase or worse. i really have to figure out if i want to let things go this way for a while before picking myself back up or avoiding it all together. i don't know. as long as i can stick to just pot i'm ok and i think i can do that but who knows. whatever i'm allowed one semester. ugh and my grades this semester were horrible. I got so many B's in classes i should have had A's in. For me this semester couldn't have been worse. I can't drop below a 3.5 gpa. I can't let that happen and honestly it might have. I'm so upset about my grades that I can't even get myself to view the final grades that came out today. I'm just so upset with myself already I can't take looking at them to find out if I did better or worse than I'm thinking. I just don't really want to know. I want to forget this semester happened and move on to the next one. I want to continue making new friends and enjoying myself. I want keep being happy and not worry.

I think i'm going back to being me. I kind of lost a part of who i was over the past year and i'm taking it back. i'm doing things i used to love to do. i'm going to go to shows again and go to movies and read. i'm going to read again for myself. not text books but the books that i get something out of. i just want to enjoy myself for a while. i'm taking this christmas break to put myself back in order.