pointless existence

this feat is difficult and my will is wearing. i'm having trouble accepting it. i'm trying to be here for everyone and with each encounter a part of me wears. i don't think i truly belong here. i don't belong with all these people in this horrible place. i'm trying to help them. i'm trying to make the best of it. it's difficult. i'm supporting everyone else and at the same time i'm in need. i'm not even sure what i'm in need of, but it's not here. i think i'm beginning to understand why i've always felt alone. why i've always felt a little different; like an outsider. i constantly feel as though i'm looking in on this world. my energy is fading. this will, this heart, this mind. i want to go back to the time when i thought i was part of all of this. now that i know it's too much. it's hard to stomach. i just want everyone to be ok so i can finally rest. i know though i'll never have that chance. people will never be ok and my job will never stop. in class the teacher asked what we want out of life and she was saying things about school work and traveling. that's not what i want in life. those are things i have to do. it'd be a pointless existence if those were the things i wanted. if those were the things i worked solely for in life. i can't focus my energy on something like that. i can't explain. i just know that this is going to be a long life. i'll either be a tortured soul or a savior. odd how that happens. in all of this though i might need the saving.