Asthenia

i want to write. i want to find thoughts sufficient enough to record but they just aren't there. i wish i had something to write about other than the everyday occurrences of my life but i haven't any creative thoughts or discussions with anyone. i haven't stepped out of the realm of everyday mundane activities. school just ended which has provided me with excess free time, but before then i was pretty busy with school, work and maintaining the overall appearance of the apartment. i guess now that i have free time i'll consider doing things again. i might even find a good book to read. the most recent of free time has been spent doing holiday stuff with alison. i guess i kind of want to do as much as i can with her before she goes because when she comes back christmas and all it's festivity and holiday cheery feeling will have departed for the year. sure we'll still have to exchange gifts with each other but it's not going to be anything like a christmas. i don't know how it could be. it's just sort of going to be a random day of gift giving. i had thought that well maybe if we do it on new years eve or new years perhaps it would at least have some extra meaning to it because it'd be on some sort of holiday or on a special day for us, but i don't think anything is really going to magically turn things into christmas here. oh well though. i mean we both have to go home so there isn't ever going to be a way to have a christmas with her. we'll both always have to go home and never see each other which makes me wonder what things would be like later on in life with that. like will we ever spend a christmas together? who knows. i don't really care at this point. christmas just isn't one of those holidays i get excited about. i never had a real reason to after i got over the whole santa claus thing. and now that i have found a reason to enjoy the holidays, we can't even spend it together so i still don't have that great reason to be excited about. to me it's just another day. sure it's a day where the whole family gets together and we exchange gifts, but there isn't any real reason to consider it more than just another day. maybe one day it'll have meaning again for me but as it stands today, it's just another day in my book. a day where i don't have to go to work. i am however looking forward to the new year though. i'm looking forward to spending it with alison. i'm looking forward to celebrating something more than just the new year. that day has significance and i want that to always remain important for both of us. it's probably the most important day of the year for me. it means a lot and i don't think i'll ever forget that. it set things back on the right track again and i can't find a better reason to celebrate. celebrate being together. celebrate the success of another year. celebrate starting down the right path again. it's been an interesting, tough, life changing year and i want to celebrate the end of it and the start of a new one which will be full of more challenges. more hurdles for us to get over. it's going to be quite a journey to come and i can't wait to be sitting around again next year looking back on it all and seeing how far i've gone again.

on some random note here i have to write about this. i need to remember this. another show that has had quite a bit of influence in my life has come to an end. it's always hard for me to see a show end that i've invested time in, but south of nowhere was one that i invested more than just time into. that show came at a perfect time. it came around when i was first coming out and starting to deal with the numerous issues of being gay. it told a really great story. it showed a lot of obstacles that come up in the life of a gay child and i think it was true. it showed evolution and growth with its characters that i think stand true to what can and often does happen in life. the character of spencer and here realization that she's gay. her first relationship with a girl. the issues that come up between parents and children who come out. there were a lot of good aspects of that show that i think really shed light on the real issues of being young and gay in society today. i appreciated every minute of that show and truly am sad to see it end. i think it ended at a good time and it went out with a cohesive ending that satisfied the story lines and the fans. although myself and everyone else out there would have loved to see where it could have gone, i think it did a great job with the stories it told. and it was important. i mean it was the first of it's kind. the first show based on a truly gay character and storyline. there just hasn't been anything else like it out there and who knows when/if there will be anything like it to come. i mean once the gay thing is no longer an issue in society i'm sure it's something we'll see a lot of because there are so many untaped storylines to be told in mainstream television regarding gay characters. but due to fear of reaction, the stories just aren't being told yet. we'll see what happens though. this show just came at a good point in my life. it's been interesting to live out my own story and at the same time watch something slightly similar evolve on screen to compare to. it's just sad to see any show end, but especially difficult when it's one of the only gay shows out there. ugh. i hate tv these days.

back to real life news. so i'm one step closer to graduating and i am scared. i have plans or more so ideas of what i want to do when i graduate, but nothing is solid. nothing is for sure. the economy sucks. i don't have money. those two factors alone limit me, but i'm hoping between the two of us, alison and myself, we can fiugre this out and get to where we want to be together. the plan is to move when i graduate but as it stands now, we don't have the money. she just got a better job so we'll be able to start saving, but no one knows where we'll be at the end of the summer when i graduate. there are just a lot of questions and concerns that i have and i know we'll figure things out, but as with any situation like this, i'm nervous. i want to know things now that i'm just not able to. i want to know what's going to happen. i want to know where i'm going to end up. i won't know until it happens. so i just have to wait and see.