Don't Hesitate to Hate

my day went nothing as planned. totally slept through the volunteer thing. my friend called and wanted to go to the mall with me so she could get an outfit. she was nervous about going to some party with this guy tonight. she was more looking for support for the night's events. she even said I'm more of a big sister than her big sister. after the mall we went back to her house, dyed some easter eggs with neighborhood kids, bummed around, and then i made up some excuse to go to the other mall to see if the journey's girl was working but nope she wasn't. it's so hit or miss with her and nine times out of ten i miss. went back to my friends house after unsuccessfully finding those cute little pillsbury cookies with the little easter bunny in the center that you slice and bake. bummed around their house some more, came home and then went out to eat with everyone after prom. apparently the music sucked because disney through in random disney theme songs. yea prom was at one of thier hotels and mickey and mini showed up. but yes the music was random and the general concensus was that last years prom was better which i didn't attend either. i showed up to eat in comfy pj's that i borrowed while at my friends so there was a huge contrast between all these prom kids and then myself the bum. but hey it just played with the whole I always sleep bit because that's all i do in school. i get more sleep in school than i do at home. rather pathetic. overall even though none of my plans worked out it was still a decent day.

now for my current issue at hand. i've decided i need some serious help. hell i even sat around in the self-helo section of the book store looking for a book for this. ok well i seriously am a pathological liar. not to friends or anyone like that but to my parents. i honestly can't remember a time when i didn't lie. My mom knows I lie and she said to me something about how i lie just to lie and it's true. most of the time i lie to avoid confrontation or getting in trouble, but sometimes it's really hard to keep them all straight. I mean i have webbed together some serious stories that have played out slowly over a few weeks time. it's ridiculous. even when i do try and tell the truth i can never fully say it. i always leave key details out. most of the times it's because i lack in the friends department so i have to go out alone like to movies, mall, universal etc. my mom doesn't exactly want me going out alone so I am constantly giving out names of random kids from school and using them as alabies. every sunday i tell my mom i am going to the library to study and in all honesty i haven't been to the library to study since december. i have some IB banquet tomorrow night and i told my mom i wasn't going so she wouldn't go and i could avoid and hour long car ride alone with her, but i actually am going to i have to make up something about where i am going to be that would fit with the time i will be out. i also have to find or buy an outfit before without her finding out. i know it's wrong to lie but i honestly can't avoid it. there is no way around lying because if i do tell the truth it's either going to get me in some type of trouble, prevent me from going out, or force me into somehow having to spend time alone with my mother and either listen to her complain about work, me not appreciating her, or how i "think" i am gay. so basically i am maybe sort of going to work on being more truthful... or maybe i just wanted to admit i have a problem. i feel bad about it but honestly at this point i don't care. in some sad pathetic way i almost want to admit that i like lying to her and not really having her know what's going on. it's my life and yep she doesn't need to know about what goes on. i am like the worst child ever... i'm so going to hell.