Stop the fucking car

so that lecture i thought i had avoided last night came today and sucked big time. for the past fifteen minutes she ran her mouth about how i don't appreciate my parents and that i need to become part of the family again. this is all a ploy to get me off of the computer so i'll stop going to in her words "those kinds of sites." she seems to think that i don't appreciate them and i'm mean to them because i'm confused about my life and the direction it is going. she was saying how she doesn't know where my life is headed and she's sorry i'm where i'm at, but if i am confused i need to stop "looking at what i look at" because i'll never be able to escape. then she comes out and asks if i am confused or if i know for sure or what. i tried to change the subject but she kept turning it back around. she goes off telling me how lonely i'm going to be, how i am going to have to sacrifice, and so much other crap. she also brought up how she made the choice to have kids and raise them and that if i chose to be gay that i was basically not allowed to have kids. she continues on to say how she loves me but doesnt support this kind of lifestyle and all this other crap. i just sat there the entire time looking at my friends myspaces trying desperately to ignore her. i don't know what her deal is lately. she says how i am selfish, don't appreciate my parents, and have to become a part of the family again, but how can she expect me to do that when she says the things that she does and when the "family" she talks about doesn't exist. i can't take her stupid lectures and remarks trying to make me out to be such a terrible person. i'm sorry if i'm not super nice to her but how the hell can i do that when she says those kinds of things to me and when i feel like her and my dad chose my brother over me? for years i was left home while they all went off to baseball games and crap which is why i have become so independent. my mom never established any type of relationship and well i never wanted one with my dad. i don't even know what to say. i really try not to let what she says get to me but i can't help it sometimes. i really can't wait to get away to college and be at a place where i can support myself because at this point i just want to break all ties. and you know i don't hate my parents i really don't despite what i may say but i just really can't stand anything they go.

whatever she said so much crap in that short fifteen minutes i can't even remember it all. as soon as she left damn it i started crying and i have no idea why. normally i wouldn't but fuck it i did. five more months... five more months...